Chapter Two:

by GlitterRock

Dudley Rengger stood across the street from the huge building and smiled. Caption City First National Federal Bank and Trust. The biggest bank in the city. When he robbed it blind, that would put his name in the papers for sure!! Standing on the edge of the sidewalk, he closed his eyes. "One million dollars, thank you very much." He concentrated.

… and concentrated.

… and concentrated.

His brow wrinkled, sweat dripping from his forehead, he clenched and pushed.

*farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttrt*

Dudley’s eyes snapped open. He looked about, embarrassed. Those around him distastefully wrinkled their noses, staring at him. Smiling sheepishly, he walked awkwardly away at a quick pace, going to a nearby alleyway. He leaned against the brick wall, sighing. Wiggling uncomfortably, he muttered, "That was a ripe one. What I wouldn’t give for – "

There was a flash, and a roll of toilet paper fell onto the ground in front of him. Confused, he picked it up. "I don’t understand! Why couldn’t I… " He then noticed pictures on the tissue and rolled it over, examining it. The pleasant smile of Lindsay Wagner looked back at him. "My collector’s roll of Bionic Woman toilet tissue? But how?"

The scientist part of his mind worked furiously, trying to figure out the answer. Then, his eyes widened. "Hold on a moment! I’m as slow as a man named Slowy McSlow on the slow side of the Slow Freeway! Everything I teleported at home I touched: the clamato, the remote control. Well, that would explain Ingrid, then, wouldn’t it?" He looked over at the bank. "Trying to teleport a million dollars I’ve never touched from that bank would be like a pencil in a room with no sharpeners: pointless! I need to get my hands on a large quantity of that money. Then, once I’ve touched it, I can easily teleport it into my chiseled arms. But how?"

He smiled slyly as a scheme came to him.

*

Five minutes (and several Bionic Woman collector’s toilet tissue wipes) later, Dudley walked into the bank and went straight to one of the tellers. The woman behind the counter smiled at him. "May I help you?"

"Yes. I was wondering if I might get change for this $50, please?" She took his bill and began to make change. Dudley smiled a satisfied smile. Granted, he was playing fast and loose with his theory, but he thought that as long as he had money that touched other money in the bank, he could teleport whatever money it had touched. Or at least, it sounded good to him. She began to reach out to him, bills in hand…

"Everybody freeze, sayeth the Cardinal!!" Everyone turned around. There in the entrance to the bank were two of the members of the Unholy Trinity gang: Cardinal Cool and Reverend BlueJeans.

BlueJeans smiled as he covered the crowd with massive laser-pistols. "I must confess… we’re here to rob you!" The Cardinal leapt across the room, going from teller to teller, taking the contents of their drawers, stuffing it into his robes. Dudley stood wide-eyed as the costumed criminal took the money from his teller, too.

Suddenly, the guard by the door reached out, hitting the alarm. BlueJeans shot him down with a red laser-beam. He called to his partner, "Cardinal, it’s hymn time!"

"Which would you suggest, Reverend?"

"O Lord, Let Us Escapeth Before The Fuzz Comes! Let’s go!" The Cardinal swung around and the pair ran out the door. They went outside to the curb, just in time to see their getaway car (the Datsun of Divinity) turning down the street… hauled off by a tow-truck!

The Cardinal turned to BlueJeans. "Damnation! We’re sitting ducks for the police!"

The Reverend replied, "Forget the cops! You know that the Cappers will be here before the law is!"

"Ahem, gentlemen." They turned around to see a smiling Dudley Rengger. "Might I suggest a substitute form of escape?"

*

The Cappers were at the massive CapComputer in the Hall of Captions. The security video from the bank was playing on the large monitor. Batqueen shook her head, confused. "But how could they have gotten away so fast?"

Amon leaned against the console, and looked over at her. "Well, it sure wasn’t in the Datsun! It’s in the impound yard."

Gray Zombie crossed his arms. "How about the third member of the Unholy Trinity? Perhaps he’s the one who helped them get away."

"Bishop BadAss?" GlitterRock shook his head. "Like, dude, he was asleep in the car when they towed it. It seems he suffers from narcolepsy."

MSTie Lyn said, "But, it doesn’t make any sense! As soon as the bank alarm was sounded, we were on our way immediately."

Animebabe looked over at one of the sitting Cappers. "Most of us were on our way immediately, you mean."

Buck Fifty replied defensively, "Hey! You don’t just snap into crime-fighting mode right after you wake up from a nap! It’s a process!"

"Hold on!" Batqueen squinted her eyes at the monitor, and asked, "Enapov, take it back a bit. To just before the criminals came in." Enapov rewound the video until the two villains backed out of the bank. "There! Freeze it!" The scene stopped. She pointed to a spot of the screen. "Can you zoom in on that area?"

Enapov smiled. "Are you kidding? Digital enhancement and magnification is the thing I’m second best at in the world!" Her fingers tapped along the controls, and the picture zoomed in.

Batqueen pointed at a man standing at one of the tellers. "That guy. We’ve seen him before, haven’t we?"

*

"Interesting little ability you got there, Ringer."

"Rengger. And yes it is." Dudley had teleported the criminals to his apartment, where they were sitting.

Reverend BlueJeans looked over at Dudley. "So, why do you want to be a supervillain anyway?"

"Power. Prestige."

The Cardinal and BlueJeans chuckled to themselves. BlueJeans said to him, "Power? That’s fleeting, pal. One day, you’ve got a giant laser capable of freezing the world, the next you’re robbing a pawn shop so you can pay your mortgage."

The Cardinal added, "And prestige? Being a supervillain means you can’t ever go anywhere again. The movies, the mall, the grocery store. You show up and everybody’s all ‘My god, he’s going to kill us!’ They never realize that it’s just a job."

Dudley looked at the men. "Why do you do it then?"

The Cardinal counted the bills from the robbery, flicking them with his fingers. "Well, sometimes you get lucky, like today."

BlueJeans said, "And every now and again, you might hold the city in a stranglehold of terror. Now that’s a rush!"

"Amen to that, Reverend."

"And there’s those fine supervillainesses… ooooooh… "

The Cardinal looked at his partner suspiciously. "Reverend! Remember your oath of celibacy!" They looked at each other for a few seconds, then both broke out into laughter. The Cardinal looked over at Dudley. "Those bad girls can be very bad, if you know what I mean!"

Dudley stared blankly at them. "Sorry, I’m afraid I don’t."

The criminals looked at each other. "Listen, Dudley," BlueJeans said to him, "seeing as how you helped out the Cardinal and me, I’ll give you a little advice. You want to be a supervillain, you need to look the part." He motioned at Dudley’s clothes. "You can’t just walk into a bank in a Bionic Woman T-shirt and expect to strike terror into the heart of the city."

The Cardinal reached into his robes and pulled out a business card. "Here. Go to this place. They do all the supervillain clothes in the city. They’ll hook you up with something."

Dudley looked at the card, reading it. "Tea Leoni’s Costumes, Armor ‘n Stuff. You mean the Tea Leoni?"

BlueJeans said, "Not everyone named Tea Leoni is married to David Duchovny! And here." He handed him a card as well. "This is the name of a realtor we know. He handles a lot of property for people in our line of work. When you’re ready, he’ll set you up with a nice hideout."

Dudley smiled. "You’ve already done so much for me. I hesitate to ask one more favor."

"Yes?"

"Can I have my $50 back?"

*

GlitterRock hung up the phone and turned to his fellow Cappers. "Dudes, that was Doc Fronkensteen from ITSITS. He says that someone broke into the place last night and totally toasted his teleport-thing." A piece of bread flew through the air and hit Glitter right in the face.

MSTie Lyn asked him, "Toasted as in heated bread to a darker tone, or as in raising a glass in tribute to?" She flinched as Amon tossed bread at her, as well. "What the-- ?"

Amon chuckled. "Hey, you both said toast, didn’t you?"

Animebabe said, "Great Scott, will you guys stop it?"

Gray Zombie crossed his arms. "So let’s see. We have that scientist from ITSITS being present at the crime scene…"

Batqueen added, "And the teleport at ITSITS getting toas—" she saw Amon raise a handful of bread tentatively, "—uh, wasted."

"Ahh, geez." Frustrated, Amon started to make himself a sandwich.

Enapov said, "Not to mention Cardinal Cool and Reverend BlueJeans mysteriously disappearing without a trace from the bank."

Buck Fifty suddenly shot forward in his seat. "What?!"

Gray Zombie looked over at his comrade. "What is it, Buck?"

Amon said, "Yeah, you’ve got the look of a guy who’s taken seemingly unrelated circumstances, detected a common thread, and uncovered a vital clue!"

"No." Buck yawned. "I’ve got the look of a guy who was dozing pretty well when you guys’ talking woke him up! And make me a sandwich while you’re at it, Amon…"

*

Dudley walked out of Tea Leoni’s Costumes, Armor ‘n Stuff. He ran an appreciative hand over his new outfit: a simple dark-red padded jacket, and dark pants; unfortunately, it was the only costume he could afford. Seeing his reflection in the shop window, he smiled. "Deadly Rengger, you’re dead gorgeous!"

A woman and her child walked past him. A large red balloon bobbed in the boy’s wake, a string from it held tight in his small hand. A devilish idea came to Dudley, and he reached out, tapping the balloon with a fingertip. He watched as the pair turned the corner and disappeared. Dudley concentrated and there was a small flash. In his hand, there was the string connected to the balloon! In the distance, he heard the plaintiff wailing of a sad child.

Dudley beamed with pride. "Marvelous!" Breaking the balloon, he went off…

*

There was a yell in the hall, and Animebabe’s voice wailed, "Amon, you’re toast!!"

Suddenly, Amon came running into the Hall of Captions, an empty plastic bag in his hands. Soon, Anime walked in after him, her face doing a slow burn. Roughly a half a loaf of cracked wheat hung all about her body.

Suddenly, the CapAlert rang out. Enapov was at the controls, and activated it. The screen lit up: it was Ron Chief, the chief of police in Caption City. "Cappers," he said quickly, "we’ve got an emergency!"

Enapov said a little irritated, "I’m fine, thanks. And you?"

Batqueen stood by Enapov at the CapAlert. She nudged Enapov, saying, "Ena, don’t be difficult. What’s wrong, Chief?"

"Someone’s just robbed the Jewelry Exchange!"

Amon said to him, "But, Chief, we haven’t had any alarm!"

Chief Chief said, "That’s because he’s still in there robbing the place!!!"

*

Dudley walked through the empty Exchange. He opened a drawer and ran his fingers lovingly along a row of big diamond rings. With a moment of concentration, they flashed and disappeared. He chuckled. One more case and the whole place would be empty!

"Hold it there, villain scum!!" He turned to see five of the Cappers in the doorway. MSTie Lyn was pointing an accusing finger at him.

Gray Zombie blinked, looking at her. He repeated, "Villain scum? That’s it, Lyn… we’re canceling your Spawn subscription!" He looked over at Dudley. "Now, as for you, give… hey, wait a minute! Dr. Ringer?"

Dudley howled out, "Rengger! And it’s Deadly Rengger!"

"Who cares?" Batqueen moved over, raising her whip. "Your name’s mud as far as I’m concerned."

Dudley flinched a little seeing her advance. "Tell me, why aren’t you in the kitchen somewhere, making your man his dinner, missy?"

"Why you… "

Dudley closed his eyes and hoped for the best. He ran forward, crying out in a feeble excuse for a yell. Gray Zombie and Batqueen looked at each other and backed away, watching as Dudley ran past them and into the wall. He hit it and fell with a thud. Glitter and MSTie Lyn pulled him to his feet, and Batqueen tied his hands together with her whip.

Enapov looked with Dudley with pity in her eyes. "Why, Dr. Ringer? Why did you go bad?"

Dudley looked over at her. "Why? With a life like mine you ask that? You probably had a pair of parents that loved you, nurtured you. Mine rented out my room as soon as I was out of the house."

Enapov said, "My parents did that when I left for college, too."

"Mine did it when I left for school in the mornings. No one cared about me ever, so why should I care about anyone else?"

"Dude," Glitter said, "like you can’t be all about hate. You need to reach down deep and be all about love."

Dudley looked at him, eyebrows arcing softly. Then he said, "Do you know how stupid that sounded? Be all about love… you sound like one of those pathetic infomercial hosts on at 2 a.m."

Gray Zombie said, "Well you’ll have more than enough time to watch those shows, Ringer. There’s cable in prison."

"Prison? Prison?? I’m not going to prison! I can’t make a name for myself in prison!"

"You’ll have a name alright," Batqueen told him. "Unfortunately, we’re the good guys and don’t use words like that, or I’d tell you what it is."

But Dudley wasn’t listening, his eyes wild. "No! Everyone’s going to know my name! And I’ll be in the papers, too! I’ll be known as the man who got rid of the Cappers!" He looked over at Gray Zombie, and concentrated. There was a flash, and the Capper disappeared.

"What the… !" Batqueen yanked on the whip hard, glaring at Dudley. "Where’s Zombie?"

Dudley winced as he felt the whip tighten on his hands. "You remember the episode of Twilight Zone, where the kid wished people he didn’t like into the cornfield? Well, it’s sort of like that, except much more metaphysical." He concentrated again, and Batqueen disappeared. Her whip disappeared with her, and Dudley felt his hands free. Concentrating again, he made GlitterRock and MSTie Lyn disappear, as well.

Enapov stood wide-eyed, watching him. Dudley smiled at her and concentrated. And concentrated. And concentrated.

*farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttrt*

Dudley frowned. "Ah, blast! Didn’t touch you, did I?" He ran over at Enapov, but she was able to hide behind an empty jewelry case. Dudley tried to cross to either the right or left, but Enapov just went in the opposite direction. Then, he smiled and touched the case, concentrating. It disappeared in a flash. Enapov squealed out, and ran quickly from the Jewelry Exchange.

Dudley watched her run away. He was tempted to go after her, then stopped, smiling.

With a smug, self-satisfied tone, he said, "Tonight’s news stories… Cappers blinked from existence by powerful, enormously handsome supervillain. More at eleven!"