Chapter One:

The Hall of Captions was an incredible edifice in the center of the city. Tall and proud, it stood as a symbol of comfort to the citizens of Caption City. Within the Hall, some of the Cappers were in the Recreation Room, relaxing and taking some well-deserved time away from crime fighting.

"… all I’m saying is that paper can’t possibly beat rock!" Batqueen sat across a table from Gray Zombie, her hand in a fist while his was flat on top of hers. "I mean, come on… its paper for cryin’ out loud!"

GlitterRock sat to the side, watching them. He said to Gray Zombie, "She’s got a point, dude."

Gray shook his head with certainty. "No no no. Paper covers the rock," he explained. "What’s the paper gonna do? Move, then crush it? It can’t move, therefore paper wins."

Glitter nodded at Enapov. "He’s got a point, dudette."

Batqueen couldn’t believe it. "But why? I mean, here’s this mineral – it’s hundreds … thousands of years old! And it’s being beaten by a post-it note?"

Gray said, "But paper is durable! Rock should be happy to be covered by paper. It keeps it out of the sun, keeping it nice and cool. You should be thanking me!" Gray smiled in triumph.

Batqueen sighed. She looked over at Glitter. "Ok, GlitterRock, you decide. Which is stronger?"

Glitter thought a moment. He looked at Gray. "I gotta to with the Queen on this, Zombie."

"Why?" Gray saw Batqueen’s smug expression. "It’s cause of the leather, isn’t it? You dig the leather!"

"Like it doesn’t have anything to do with that, boss-man! No matter who plays what, Glitter’s always got to side with the Rock!"

A siren blared in the hall. Batqueen shot from her seat. "The CapAlert!" They all rushed from the room.

*

The trio ran into the Capping Gallery. MSTie Lyn was at the CapAlert computer console. She saw them enter, and said, "Heads up, gang! We’ve trouble at the ITSITS!"

"It’s it’s," Batqueen repeated. "Sounds like the beginning of a Monty Python skit."

MSTie Lyn smiled. "Nah. They began with John Cleese saying and now for something completely different…"

"Yeah, but that old man would come stumbling out—"

Gray Zombie broke the conversation. "ITSITS: the InsTitute for Science and Intelligence Technology Senter."

MSTie Lyn said, "Apparently some experiment of theirs has gone horribly awry and could destroy the Senter. Perhaps even the City."

GlitterRock said, "They tampered in God’s domain."

Batqueen asked the others, "Why does all these experiments that go wrong threaten the city? I mean, aren’t there ever any small snafus? Little glitches or something that just threaten… say, the afternoon?"

Gray Zombie said, "We can discuss it on the way. C’mon Cappers… let’s go!" They all ran from the room.

Batqueen muttered, "We need a better rallying cry than let’s go…"

*

The Cappers quickly arrived at the ITSITS. As was expected, an experiment had gone wrong, and was indeed quite devastating. So devastating, in fact, that it is beyond the abilities of even this humble writer to describe. But it was quite dangerous, and thankfully, the Cappers were able to contain it using their powers and abilities. In the end, the director of the InsTitute, Frodrick Fronkensteen, thanked them.

"Thank you, Cappers!" He smiled widely at them. "Without your intervention, not only would ITSITS have been destroyed, but quite possibly the City!"

GlitterRock smiled at the director. "We’re lucky we made it out alive."

Gray Zombie agreed. "Glitter’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so devastating before! Luckily, it was completely destroyed, so we’ll never have to face it again."

MSTie Lyn nodded. "I’ll be talking about that battle for the rest of my life!"

Batqueen said, "If I hadn’t been part of it, I wouldn’t have believed it! I mean… wow!"

"Still, the damage could have been a lot worse if you hadn’t stopped it." Fronkensteen said, "I’m deeply indebted to you all." He sighed. "If only it hadn’t reached this far." He motioned the Cappers to enter a room. Inside was a piece of machinery, black and smoking. "We were due to unveil a new invention to the Scientific Board of Inquiry tomorrow. A teleportation device."

Batqueen repeated as she coiled her whip, "Teleport? You mean like in STAR TREK?"

Fronkensteen nodded. "Yes. We’ve actually been able to teleport items up to ten blocks away! Why, just the other day we ordered a pizza to be delivered, and teleported it here!"

Gray Zombie whistled. "Incredible!"

Fronkensteen replied, "Not really. They forgot the pepperoni."

"No, I was talking about—never mind. Are you saying that you won’t be able to repair it by tomorrow?"

The director shook his head. "It’s taken years to develop the device. Our brightest, most talented minds were—"

Suddenly a man’s head appeared in the doorway. "Brightest? Most talented? Talking about me again, are you? And I’ve gone and shown up… what the luck!" He entered the room. He was thin, with short brown hair, and a pompous air about him. He came over, a smarmy smile on his lips, and shook Zombie’s hand. "Charmed, charmed, charmed! I’m Dr. Dudley Rengger!"

Gray was taken offguard by the clammy handshake of the doctor. "Uh… hello, doctor. Dr. Fronkensteen was just speaking very highly of you."

Fronkensteen reached over and slapped Dudley’s hand; the oily man broke the handshake. "No, no, Gray Zombie. Dr. Rengger didn’t develop this. He’s in our… developmental program."

Dudley laughed. "What the learned professor means is that my genius is bring stifled by limited, narrow minds." He said to the Cappers, "I have such incredible ideas!"

Glitter asked, "Such as?"

Dudley leaned forward. "Static clothes hangers!"

"Like, come again, dude?"

"For the closet!" He said, excitedly. "You know how lint and other fiddly-bits get on your clothes? Well, my hangers set up a field of static electricity. Switch them on when you put them in the closet, and viola!"

Gray asked, "No fiddly-bits on your clothes?" Rengger nodded.

Batqueen thought a moment. "But, doesn’t static electricity attract that kinda stuff?"

Dudley’s face froze. "What?"

MSTie Lyn nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Like rubbing a balloon on your head makes it stick."

Dudley pursed his lips together ion a sour expression. "It’s in development, you stu… stu… " He caught himself, and softly sang Phil Collins’ "Sussudio."

Fronkensteen said, "Dudley, please."

Batqueen said to Gray, "Zombie, the teleport device is important to them. Maybe we could get Enapov to come over and help them."

Gray shook his head. "Remember the Capper Directive, Batqueen."

The Cappers all recited at the same time: "We use our powers and abilities to help and assist, but not to change the course of life. Because, then, we’d be out of a job."

Gray Zombie turned to Fronkensteen. "Doctor, again, our pleasure to help." He turned to the others. "Let’s go, Cappers."

Batqueen muttered to MSTie Lyn. "How about… Cappers Capitulate?"

MSTie Lyn shook her head. "I think that means give in. Keep trying, Queen…" The costumed heroes left the room. Fronkensteen turned to survey the damage at the teleporter.

"Er, doctor…" Dudley followed him. "Have you had a chance yet to look over my memorandum suggesting improvements in the operation of ITSITS?"

Fronkensteen sighed. "Dudley, we cannot extend the hours in a day to 25…"

"But just think, doctor! An extra hour a day, seven extra hours a week… the possibilities for extra development and research is enormous!"

Fronkensteen turned, looking at the man. "Dudley, listen. We all like you… well, actually, that’s a lie. None of us like you. That’s what makes this so… what’s the word I’m looking for?"

"Difficult? Aggravating?"

"No, no. Enjoyable, but I’m sure there’s a word even closer. The budget for the next quarter is forcing us to make some personnel cuts."

"Ah. How many?"

"One."

"One department?"

"No."

"One team?"

"One employee."

"Ah." Dudley thought a moment. Then, he reached out and took Fronkensteen’s hand, shaking it roughly. "It’ll be a shame to see you go, sir."

Fronkensteen tore his hand away from Dudley’s, wiping it on his lab coat. "It’s you! You, Dudley! You’re the one being fired!"

Dudley stared, mouth agape. He closed his mouth, a sly look in his eyes. "Typical. Absolutely typical. You don’t like me because I’m British!"

"You’re not British, Dudley. You just watch a lot of public television."

"Since the dawn of man, those who have been pioneers in science have been labeled heretics, or witches, or weird-wizard-guys. And since that time, they’ve been singled out, and separated from the rest, hoping to silence their voices." He pointed a finger at Fronkensteen. "You think I’m going to make you all look bad!"

"Dudley, please—"

Dudley snapped, "No!" He stepped to the door, turning back with a flourish. "I’ll show you all!"

*

The rest of the day passed much as days do in Caption City. Crimes were committed, Cappers arrested the felons, and near-catastrophic calamities were averted.

And for Dudley Rengger, he spent the day thinking. And planning…

*

It was dark at night. Much as night usually was. But at this time of night, ITSITS was closed. That was when Dudley used his security clearance to get in. He snuck inside, stopping momentarily at the vending machine to get a few bags of BBQ chips, then made his way to the teleporter.

Turning on the lights, he surveyed the damaged device. Munching on a chip, he muttered to himself, "Yes. I can see it now. Dudley, you fixed it! You did what no one else on the staff could do! Please come back! Oh please! Dudley, you animal, take me… er." He choked on a chip, clearing his throat, and opened up the side of the teleporter. He pulled out a tangle of loose wiring, and looked them over. "Ah. Well, let’s see." His mind was drawing a blank as what to do. "Come on, Dudley… think… classes were so much simpler when you had the answers written on your arm."

A slimy smile came to his thin lips, and he rolled up his right sleeve. "And they said I was stupid for using a magic marker…" He looked over his arm. Over the years, time and occasional bathing had dulled the written words into a blurred mess. He squinted, trying to make them out. "When dealing with wiring, always remember to connect… pigeon? No, lemon? Wait… it’s green. I think. Yes! Green! Of course!" He looked at the wiring, which was noticeably devoid of green wiring. "No wonder it doesn’t work! No green wiring!"

He fumbled with two wires, one yellow, the other blue. "Well, yellow and blue make green. And if it’s good enough for Ziploc, it’s good enough for me!"

He connected the wires …

*

Major Antagonist smiled smugly. It was a brilliant plan. Attach a master control to the Caption City electrical system, and hold the city’s power hostage for millions of dollars. And with the help of Winky the Sociopathic Robot, it was easier than he’d ever thought. They stood in the open street, surveying the streetlamps and bright lights of Caption City. "Let’s see how striking Caption City is without any power!" He moved to hit the master control.

"Not so fast, Major Minor!" There was a snap. A leather whip shot out, snatching the control from his fingers. He turned to see Batqueen pull the device from her whip. She dropped it onto the ground, and crushed the device beneath her heel. She smiled innocently. "Oops!"

Major Antagonist howled with rage. He saw other Cappers come into view. "Winky, strike them down!"

*

Dudley Rengger walked into his apartment, a dazed expression in his eyes. Steam and smoke wafted from his hair and clothes. The voltage and energy that had went through him as he connected the wires still tingled through his thin body.

He went over to a old easy chair, and plopped down in it. Taking a deep breath, he said, "You fried the teleporter. They’ll never hire you back now." He sniffed through his nose and looked over to the far wall. On it was a framed picture of Lindsey Wagner, with a signature on it. He sighed as he looked at it. "I try my best. Why can’t the others see me the way you do, Jaime?" He reached out longingly for the picture. "If only I could hold you in my arms—"

There was a blinding flash of light, and Dudley covered his eyes with his arms. When he pulled them away, he saw that the wall was bare, and he felt the picture frame in his hand. Wide eyed, he jumped from the chair, screaming, tossing the picture to the floor. "Ahhhhh!!"

He stared at the picture, then back to the wall. He closed his eyes, muttering to himself. "You’re delusional, Dudley. Having had about a bazillion killoquads of voltage shoot through you will do that. A nice glass of Clamato will –"

There was another flash, bright enough for Dudley to see dimly though his closed eyes. He opened them, and looked at his hands. In one was a glass, and the other the half-empty can of Clamato from the refrigerator.

Hands trembling, Dudley Rengger gasped, "What in the name of Sir Isaac Fig Newton is going on?"

*

Winky the Sociopathic Robot raised its arms high, ready to hit the fallen GlitterRock. "Time to – beep beep—die, Capper!"

Enapov jumped out into the open. "Not so fast, Winky-dink!" She lifted a small device, extending an antenna. "Allow me to introduce you to my newest invention! A mechanoid synaptic scrambler!"

Winky looked at her, metallic eyes scanning. "What does—biddi-biddi-biddi—it do?"

"Well, it’s kinda complicated. But, in layman’s terms, it puts ants in your pants. Like so." She pressed a button, and a light flashed.

Winky let out a metallic giggle, and started to sway back and forth, his shining legs jittering and vibrating. A strange sound like a computer laughing came from his mouth, and it fell to the ground.

Major Antagonist frowned at the fallen villain. "Winky, you’re useless! I’m striking you from my next plan!"

"Maybe he’s just a late bloomer!" He turned just as Gray Zombie let loose with a salvo of underwear of many kinds and shapes. The Major waved his hands, trying to deflect them, only to be knocked back. He turned to escape, only to find GlitterRock standing with his guitar at the ready.

GlitterRock tensed his fingers at the chords. "I don’t think he digs your gig, man! Obviously he won’t be in the front row at Underwearapalooza!" His fingers danced along the strings of his guitar, a shrieking whine coming out. Major Antagonist, in the direct path of the soundwaves, fell to his knees, helpless.

Enapov and Batqueen walked over, smiling. Batqueen laughed, asking, "Can we get good seats?"

GlitterRock and Gray Zombie laughed. "Groovy chicks, for you I can guarantee backstage passes!"

*

"Fork!" *flash*

"Remote control!" *flash*

"Inflatable Ingrid!" *flash and pop*

Dudley smiled. He stood in the middle of his living room, a pile of junk surrounding him, as well as a deflated rubber woman. He snapped his fingers, his mind racing.

"Of course! When I crossed the wires in the teleporter, the power of teleportation must have somehow got transferred to me!" He laughed aloud, pleased. "Marvelous! Wait until Mr. Fronken-smug git face-steen gets a load of…" He stopped in mid-sentence, thinking. "Wait a tick! I’m too good for him! I’m too good! I’ll never get noticed working there anyway. I need to be in the spotlight, where my presence and devilish good looks can inspire the populace! But how…?"

He heard a noise and looked out the window. He saw the Cappers down below. "Of course!"

*

"Take them away, officers!" Batqueen said, giving Major Antagonist a friendly swipe with her whip. The two villains were put into squad cars and driven away.

There was a flash of light, and Dudley appeared behind the Cappers. His eyes were closed, arms extended in triumph, waiting for the admiration of his arrival. But the Cappers continued their conversation, unaware of his presence. Dudley opened his eyes, and looked at them. "Ahem."

The Cappers turned. Enapov asked, "Can we help you?"

Dudley looked at the others. "We… uh… met earlier today at the ITSITS."

Gray Zombie thought a moment. "Oh yeah. Doctor… Ringer, right?"

He snapped quickly, "Rengger! Dr. Rengger, yes. I’ve since dissolved my employment with those mental midgets at the Senter, and am offering you the chance to avail yourself of my unique services."

GlitterRock laughed. "Are you saying, like, you wanna be a Capper, dude?"

"Yes. I feel that I have a lot to offer your august ranks, especially since I—"

Gray Zombie rose a hand, interrupting him. "I’m sorry, Dr. Ringer, but we already have someone who handles our technical problems." He motioned to a smiling Enapov.

"Yeah," Batqueen said with a smile, "if we fired Enapov, who’d program our VCRs?" They all laughed.

Dudley corrected Zombie again. "It’s not Ringer, it’s Rengger. And you don’t understand. I have the power to—"

There was an ominous rumble of thunder in the skies. Enapov cocked her head, listening. She said to GlitterRock, "That has a distinctly evil tone to it, don’t you think, Rock?"

GlitterRock listened, his intuitive knowledge of sound helping him analyze the thunder. "Seventeen point two decibels. If I had to guess, I’d say it was some villain making an evil vow somewhere."

Batqueen said, "It could just be a storm, you know? The weatherman said there was a chance—"

Gray Zombie cut her off. "I’ve learned to trust Glitter’s ear for sound, Queen. We can’t take that risk. Let’s get back to the Hall." He looked over at Dudley. "I’m sorry, Dr. Ringer. At the present, the Cappers aren’t taking any new applications. Perhaps you’d best stay with the ITSITS. Let’s go, Cappers!" And the Cappers all took off.

Dudley stood alone in the street, watching the figures leave. Anger and rage built in his thin frame, his fists clenching and teeth gritting.

He screamed out into the night, "It’s Rengger! Rengger!!!"

Raising a finger, he pointed in the distance towards the far-off Cappers. "Cappers, you’ll remember my name! I’ll make you remember! Go back to the ITSITS? Taking orders from Fronkensteen? Never! I’ll be my own boss! Set my own hours! I’ve shove those smug, stupid faces down your smug, stupid… uh… faces! You’ll find out just how deadly crossing Dudley Rengger will be!"

"You’ll remember me as… DEADLY RENGGER!"

There was a clash of thunder.

There was a flash of lightning.

And rain poured down, soaking Dudley completely.

The weatherman was right after all…