Chapter Three:

by GlitterRock

The Hall of Captions was quiet. Too quiet.

Amon smiled over at Animebabe as he slowly lifted the sleeping Buck Fifty’s hand up, poising it over a bowl of warm water. Animebabe stifled a laugh.

Just then, Enapov came running into the room, out of breath. "It’s…. It’s…"

Amon asked, "The beginning of Monty Python? I knew it!"

Enapov screamed out, "It’s HORRIBLE!!!"

Buck Fifty was awake in an instant. He looked over at Amon holding his hand, then down at the bowl of warm water. He shot Amon a suspicious look.

Amon chuckled. "Uh… hi Buck. Want some tea? In… uh… a bowl?"

*

The Cappers sat at the table, listening intently as Enapov filled them in on what had happened at the Jewelry Exchange. Animebabe said, "So this Deadly Ringer guy—"

Enapov snapped back, "Rengger! It’s Rengger! He gets mad if you get it wrong!"

"Ok. He made the others disappear?"

Enapov nodded. "Yeah. He made some comment about touching them."

Buck Fifty said, "Maybe he just don’t like to be touched. I remember some kid in school who was just like that."

Amon asked, "Really? What did you do?"

"Ah, beat the heck out of him and took his ham sammich." He saw the eyes of the Cappers on him. "Uh... but that was before I started on the path of justice and heroism and stuff."

Amon took a deep breath, rubbing a gloved fist in his hand. "We need to get out there and get our buddies back!" His hand poised by his power dial…

Anime reached over, stopping his hand. "Wait a minute, Amon! We can’t just run out blindly into this situation! Look what happened to the others. We’re dealing with an A.S.S. h—"

"Anime!" Enapov exclaimed, eyes wide. "We’re the good guys! We don’t say… the ‘a-hole’ word!"

Anime sighed. "I was gonna say ‘We’re dealing with an A.S.S. here.’ A.S.S.: A Suspected Supervillain! Meaning we don’t know anything abut him. Remember, knowledge is power. Nietzsche."

"Gesundheit."

Enapov said, "We should go to the ITSITS. Find out all we can about that teleport system. It could be related to Deadly Ringer’s—"

"Rengger!"

"—power."

Buck nodded. "We should go to his place, too. Maybe we can find more clues there."

Amon said, "Ok, let’s split up. You and Anime go to his place, and Ena and I will go to ITSITS. We need to put out an alert to all the other Cappers first, warn them about Rengger and tell them to keep well away until we find out more."

*

Dudley Rengger was in a foul mood. And a foul mood for him was like a pleasant day for a German.

It had been over an hour since he’d gotten rid of the Cappers and robbed the Jewelry Exchange. But there were no reporters asking why he did it, no news-anchors interviewing him, no Weekly World News folk speculating on his affair with the Bat-Boy.

He sighed. "Dudley, from now on, don’t commit incredible, awe-inspiring crimes then make the only eye witnesses disappear!" He said, "I’ve got to get everyone’s attention! I’ve got to do something so public that everyone will have to notice!"

He smiled slowly as an idea crept into the dusty attic of his mind…

*

"… 33…. 34…. 35. This is the one."

Anime asked Buck, "Are you sure?"

"There was only one Ringer in the book."

"Rengger!"

Buck thought a moment. "That’s the name I looked up. I swear!"

Anime reached out and took the apartment’s doorknob, turning it. It didn’t budge. "Locked."

Buck smiled at her. "Allow me." Anime backed away. Buck took a deep breath, and let out a hollow yawn at the door. The wooden frame cracked and split, and shortly thereafter, the door creaked open.

Anime looked at her comrade in awe. "It’s amazing how you do that!"

Buck smiled in satisfaction. "You should see me when I’m really tired!"

They went inside.

*

Dr. Fronkensteen paced alongside the Cappers as they walked through the halls of ITSITS, listening to Enapov tell him what had happened. "Incredible! Dudley has developed matter-dispersal and reintegrational abilities?"

Enapov and Amon looked at each other, a dull expression on their faces. Enapov said, "Uh… he made them go ‘way, yeah."

"Astounding! That could explain what we’ve discovered about the teleport, then! As soon as you notified me of your coming, I called the creator of the teleport for his assistance." He stopped by a door, opening it. He ushered the Cappers into the room. Inside was a small boy, sitting in a wheelchair. "Cappers, this is Professor Timmy."

The small boy called out, "TIMMY!!!" His arms flailed as he yelled.

The Cappers looked at him. Amon said slowly, "Uh, professor… he’s… well… a kid."

"Blahblahblahblarg TIMMY!!!"

Fronkensteen explained, "The professor is an idiot savant, Amon. Don’t let his age fool you. He has the I.Q. of a dozen geniuses!"

Amon said, "Oooooookay." He knelt down by the boy, and said, "Professor Timmy, we think that somehow your teleport is responsible for Rengger’s powers."

Timmy’s eyes rolled in his head. "Wigga! Wigga wa wigga waaaaa, TIMMY!!!"

Amon and Enapov looked at each other. Fronkensteen said, "Cappers, the professor’s from far away. He hasn’t acclimated to English very well, so I’m afraid I’ll have to translate for you. He said ‘You’re right. He’s absorbed the Rectalgesic energy of the teleport.’"

Enapov repeated, "Rectalgesic? What’s that?"

Amon added, "Is it poop related?"

"Wiggi wahhhhhhhhhh, TIMMY!!!"

"’The Rectalgesic energy is what powers the teleport.’" Fronkensteen told them, "Professor Timmy’s found a way to harness the density of white dwarf radiation. It’s taken almost half of his life, but he managed to create enough Rectalgesic—" Amon snickered, "—radiation to power the teleport. Since it’s from a super-dense white dwarf, it’s able to help in the dissemination of molecules for the teleportational process."

"Reaaaaalllllllllrg, TIMMY!!!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Just a general ‘reaaaaalllllllllrg.’"

"Blahblahblarg, TIMMY!!!"

"’I’ve come up with something that may help you. It will detect the Rectalgesic energy that’s infused Rengger’s cells. My Rectalgraph.’" Fronkensteen handed Enapov a small hand-held device.

Amon looked at the equipment. "This’ll help, of course, but how do we stop him?"

"Beblahblarg, TIMMY!!!""

"’I dunno.’"

Enapov looked at the device, thinking to herself. "Professor," she said to Timmy, "how did you collect the Rectalgesic—Amon, stop laughing!! How did you collect the energy, anyway?"

"Reeeeeeee, TIMMY!!!"

"’Through Nerf.’"

Amon said, "What’s that, some kind of scientific anagram? It stands for Null-particle Electric Refractive Fields, or something?"

Wild eyes stared at them. "Bebebebebblaw TIMMY!!!"

"’No. Nerf. You know, the children’s toy.’" Fronkensteen told them, "The professor discovered that the unique blend of polymers proved extremely successful in the transference of Rectalgesic—Mr. Amon, please! Science is not funny!!"

Amon wiped his teary eyes, his laughter fading. "Sorry. Sorry. I’ll stop, really. So, Nerf—heehee—helps transfer the Rect—heehee—er, the energy? Strange, I would’ve thought a Slinky would work better."

"Belarg, TIMMY!!!"

"’No. We only managed marginal success with the Slinky process.’"

A slow smile came to Enapov’s lips. Amon saw it. "Ena, I know that smile. You’ve got an idea. And when you get ideas, usually things get blown up!"

Enapov grinned more.

*

All across Caption City, the television screens lit up with a bulletin. The face of K-CAP’s number one reporter looked out, microphone in hand. "Good afternoon, city. This is Cub Rubik for K-CAP Action Psychic 4 News. I am standing live at the location of our city’s greatest attraction: the Statue of Levity. Or at least, so it once was. Because moments ago, that monument disappeared into nothingness before the startled eyes of nine tourists. Now, a city in fear asks: where it go? Well, one man knows the answer to that question. The one responsible. Deadly Ringer."

"Rengger!!" The camera pulled back to show Dudley standing next to Rubik. He glared at the reporter. "It’s Rengg—" He then noticed the camera on him, and froze.

Rubik waited a few moments, then said, "The red light on the top means it’s on, Mr. Rengger. So… uh, Mr. Rengger?" He nudged Dudley, who blinked and was brought back to reality. Rubik cleared his throat and continued. "Deadly Rengger, the city’s heart is in its throat anticipating your answer. Where is the beloved Statue of Levity?"

"I don’t know." Dudley smiled apprehensively at the camera. "Is it really on?"

"Yes. Er… you don’t know where the Statue is?"

"And we’re really live? Like ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live,’ only interesting?"

"Yes."

Dudley smiled a stupid smile. "I… " He leaned in close to Rubik’s microphone and said in a loud voice, "I… don’t… know. Sometimes… I… teleport… "

"Mr. Rengger, you can lower your voice. They can hear you fine."

"Ah." He backed up a little. "Well, sometimes I teleport things away to a place where I want them to be, and they go there. But other times, I can teleport things away, but not make them reappear right away. So they stay… well, wherever, till I want them to reappear."

Rubik said, "Sort of like keeping Klingons in transporter stasis, like in Star Trek?"

"Star what? Sorry, I never saw it. I was more a fan of The Bion—"

"Tell me… what does Deadly Rengger want? What motivates you to do the evil deeds that you do?"

Dudley thought a moment. "It could be my traumatic childhood… it could be my lack of love… it could be the absence of friends in my life… that’s made me the total bastard I am today. I want respect! And power! And women… lots of ‘em!"

Dudley tore the microphone from Rubik’s hand and stared close into the camera. "Caption City, be warned. I’ve spent the better part of the afternoon touching things. Things that I can teleport away at a moment’s notice." He closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment. "There. I touched a dozen lightbulbs on sale at the Ain’t Dat A Deal grocery store an hour ago. Right now, whoever bought them is sitting in the dark." He laughed out evilly.

Behind him, Rubik said, "It’s four in the afternoon. It’s still light out."

Dudley pursed his lips sourly. "Blast." He pushed the microphone back into Rubik’s hands and stomped out of the camera’s frame.

Rubik lifted the microphone to his lips, and arched an dramatic eyebrow to the camera. "There you have it, Caption City. There’s a new villain in town. With a horrifying ability to take items to teleport them to a space between the here and the not-here. Evil madman? Misunderstood victim? Who’s to say? But in this humble reporter’s opinion, Deadly Rengger is an assh—"

There was a small flash, and the microphone disappeared in mid-sentence, leaving Rubik’s statement to be silently mouthed to the camera.

*

Back at the Hall of Captions, Buck Fifty and Animebabe walked into the room. Anime asked Enapov and Amon, "Any news?"

Amon turned his chair around to face them. "Well… Lanzman got into a big fight with this alien called Hecksday, and got killed. Them, four other Cappers appeared each claiming to be Lanz reborn. Then, Lanz himself returned from the dead and—"

Buck interrupted him. "She meant anything important!"

Enapov said, "Well, I think I’ve come up with a way to beat Rengger."

Buck said, "That qualifies! Tell!" Enapov explained her plan to the other Cappers. When she was done, she said, "I think it could work. Well, maybe. Theoretically, it should, at least. But we need to get Rengger exactly where we need him to do it."

Amon said, "Well, we could call in the other Cappers. Sort of corral him to the spot where we need him to be."

Buck shook his head. "Too dangerous. Just one mistake, and whichever Capper’s touched could be disappeared away." He looked over at Animebabe. "Besides, I think that maybe Anime and I may be able to suggest something." He smiled. "Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Anime?"

"Celery?"

"No." He sighed, and said to Amon and Enapov, "It seems our erstwhile villain is fond of the show The Bionic Woman."

Anime snickered. "Yeah… fond in the same way that tornadoes are fond of trailer parks!"

Buck said, "He’s got an autographed picture of Lindsey Wagner on his wall. But the autograph’s in his own handwriting!"

Enapov wrinkled her nose. "Ewwwwww. That’s creepy!"

Amon leaned behind Enapov and spoke in a high voice. "It rubs the lotion in its skin. It helps to keep the moisture in—"

"Ahhhhhh! Stop it, Amon!!" Goosebumps formed on her skin. Enapov said to the two Cappers, "So, you think that maybe we can use his obsession with The Bionic Woman to our advantage? But how?"

Anime and Buck looked at each other, smiling…

*

Dudley watched the TV, a satisfied grin on his thin lips. Reports of his theft of the Statue of Levity were on all the networks! Granted, most of the reporters got his name wrong, but a few more thefts and they’d never forget it. Watching the latest report on him ending, he poised his thumb to change the channel.

The newscaster on the screen screamed, "BIONIC WOMAN!!!" Dudley jumped in his chair. The newscaster’s voice lowered to normal, and he said, "That got your attention, Caption City? It had better, because tomorrow is a very special day for us. Tomorrow, Lindsey Wagner, TV’s own Bionic Woman, will be in our fair city for the first annual fanfest… Bionipalooza! There’ll be interviews, contests… and the chance to meet and talk with your favorite TV heroine. And maybe even get a picture taken with her! So… come one, come all… to the Caption City Civic Center, starting at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning!"

Dudley’s eyes froze on the screen….

*

On K-CAP, as the news ended and the set was cleared for Mr. Noodle’s World of Pasta, the newscaster looked over at the camera. Specifically, at the Capper behind the camera. "Was that alright?"

Animebabe gave him a thumbs-up. "Perfect."

*

Two hours later, Dudley was still frozen in his chair….

*

The next morning…

Dudley walked nervously to the entrance of the Caption City Civic Center. At 10 a.m., he seemed to be the only one there. While others might have thought it suspicious, or at the very least curious, the only thing that Dudley could think about was that he’d be the first one to see Lindsey Wagner!

There was a woman standing to the side with a clipboard and nametag. He went over to her. With a cracking voice, he asked, "Has Ms. Waaaa… Waaa… er, uh… Wagner arrived yet?"

She smiled at him. "Yes, sir! She’s just waiting in the back for the fans to arrive! You’re the first one to show!"

Dudley proudly glowed. "Some fans just don’t have the dedication that I do. And I’m no ordinary fan."

"I can see that! You’re apparently going to enter the costume competition, as well!" Dudley looked down at his outfit, confused. The woman smiled. "Say, a real fan like you would be interested by this. Follow me." She led Dudley towards a large shape on the other side of the room. It was a tall structure with blank gray cardboard sides. "It’s an exact recreation of the bionic cryogenic chamber used by the aliens in episode 315. Would you like a picture taken next to it?"

Dudley stared at it, mind reeling. "Episode 315?"

"Sure. You remember? The aliens…? And Jaime using her bionic hearing…? Come on, stand right next to it and smile." She walked away from him.

Dudley puffed out his chest and gave an oily smile. "When’s Lindsey coming out?"

"Oh." She said nervously, "Soon. We’ll just grab this picture of you next to the cybernetic pod and we’ll be done."

Dudley frowned. "Wait a moment. You said it was a bionic cryogenic chamber a moment ago."

"I did? Ah, I must’ve been thinking of the… cybernetic… suspension…. ah… oh, heck… NOW GUYS!!"

Suddenly, the gray cardboard sides fell back from the sides of the "chamber," revealing that it was the teleport! Buck Fifty and Amon appeared from either side of the teleport, tangling a long line of Nerf footballs strung together on a line around Dudley. Dudley lashed out at them, but the Cappers kept well out of his reach. A few more passes around Dudley, and the two men ran over next to the woman. She called out, "Now, Ena!"

Enapov crouched down near the base of the teleport, and hit a small series of controls. Dudley reached out for her, but she tumbled back, and made it to the other side of the room, next to Animebabe, who tossed aside her clipboard.

Dudley tried to pull the footballs from him. "You! You! You!" He was speechless with rage. "Where’s Lindsey?? What have you done with her??"

Buck smiled at the sight of the supervillain trapped in the strung footballs. "She’s probably filming a USA Network movie with Valerie Bertinelli right now."

Enapov said, "Or auditioning for the role of one of the lower squares on Hollywood Squares 2000."

Animebabe added, "No. I’m sure she’s probably deep in filming of her E! True Hollywood Story!"

"Stop it!!!" Spittle flew from Dudley’s mouth as he yelled at them. "I’m…. I’m going to send you all away!! Forever!! I’m…." The sight of a pulsating light out of the corner of his eye made him turn. He saw the teleport behind him, small lights on it now throbbing.

There was a flash, and Gray Zombie appeared to the side. He looked about, confused. Soon, there was another flash, and the return of Batqueen. And two more: GlitterRock and MSTie Lyn. Dudley’s eyes were wide with confusion and terror. "What’s… what’s happening??"

Amon teased him from the other side of the room, mimicking the sound of the bionic sound effects from the show. "Duh-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na…"

He glared at the newly returned Cappers. "I’ll… I’ll send you all back!!" He closed his eyes, and concentrated. And concentrated…

*farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttrt*

Embarrassed, he fidgeted in the tangle of footballs. "I… I don’t understand."

Enapov said with a smile on her face, "You got charged with the teleport’s Rectalgesic—Amon, geez! Quit laughing!! This is the climax, here!!!"

"Sorry."

Buck Fifty said, "You drained it of all its power. Well, Enapov just set the recharge function on it!"

Enapov continued, "The Nerf footballs are acting as conductors for the Rec—" she cast a suspicious eye at Amon, "—the energy in you. It’s draining you of the power you stole from it!!"

There was a flash, and the enormous Statue of Levity appeared in the room. It burst through the ceiling, sending debris falling on the Cappers and Dudley. A large piece of asbestos fell, knocking the teleport over, and ripping at the string of footballs. As the Cappers crawled to their feet, they saw Dudley pulling at the Nerf, freeing himself.

Amon was the first to act. Hand poised on his power dial, he activated it. Enapov saw him do that, and exclaimed, "Amon, don’t! If he touches you…"

"If he doesn’t get drained of all the Rectalgesic--- heehee—energy—hahahahaha—we’re all finished!!" The dial spun, and a flash of colors morphed over Amon’s form. When it cleared, Amon stood there… seemingly unchanged except for one thing. He was totally naked! He reached down for a large piece of ceiling tile and covered his lower half. He frowned and blushed. He read the handle he transformed into from his dial, "The_Full_Amon_ty."

"Oh… very nice. Nice indeed!" They all looked at see Dudley standing free and clear from the Nerf and the teleport. "What have we here?" He pointed at Gray Zombie. "An underwear fetishist…" He pointed at Batqueen, "A whip-wielding S&M reject…" He pointed at Amon, "A bashful nudist…" And he finally pointed at the yawning Buck Fifty, "And a insomniac!" He scoffed. "And they call me mad for a little thing like wanting to be rich and powerful!!"

Gray Zombie pulled out a pair of underwear, and the other Cappers fanned out. "Give it up, Ringer! The teleport’s taken a lot of energy from you! You can’t do much else now."

Amon reached over and grabbed a pair of Gray Zombie’s underwear, hurriedly putting them on behind the tile. "Yeah! Without your power, you’re as useless as an computer columnist working at Amish Life Monthly magazine!"

Dudley clenched his fists tightly. "Perhaps. Perhaps not now. But remember Cappers… he who laughs last, laughs… laughs last. No, it’s… dammit!!" He closed his eyes and concentrated. There was a flash, and he disappeared.

The Cappers were silent. Then Amon looked over at Enapov. "Well, nothing may have blown up… but I think this is damn close!!"

*

EPILOGUE ONE:

"…. And in our Remember When department: do you remember when the Statue of Levity was stolen? Of course you do. But do you remember why? Months after the fact, most everyone thinks that it was another publicity ploy by illusionist David Copperfield. But it was actually the doing of Dudley Rengger – the self-styled supervillain ‘Deadly Rengger.’ During his 24-hour reign of loosely-called-terror, Rengger robbed the Caption City Jewelry Exchange and used his strange teleportational abilities to steal the Statue. Most of the public believes that Rengger simply slipped back into the obscurity that most supervillains return to when they realize they can’t hack it in the real world. But in Rengger’s case, that’s not the end of the story. According to the Cappers, Rengger escaped by teleporting himself away. Well, after four months, our little lost lamb has resurfaced. In the middle of downtown Caption City, the self-styled bastard materialized in a flash of energy, promptly threw up on a pedestrian, and passed out. Taken into custody, the authorities report that Mr. Rengger is virtually a mental vegetable now, capable of little; unless Synchronized Drooling and Babbling becomes an Olympic event, in which case he’s guaranteed of winning the gold. But, not to be outdone, your own Action Psychic 4 News reporter, Cub Rubik, managed to get a few words with the once-newsworthy, now-snoozeworthy headliner. But unfortunately, the interview is short, and not quite what we hoped for."

The sight on the screen changed, showing Rubik walking into a padded cell. He crossed over to a huddled figure in a straightjacket turned away from him. "Excuse me… excuse me, Mr. Rengger? Cub Rubik, Action Psychic 4 News. We may only have a few moments, and I’d like to ask you a few questions. Mr. Rengger?" He tapped the figure on the shoulder.

There was a sudden move, one that surprised the cameraman; the picture jostled slightly. It was the rough, unshaven face of Dudley Rengger. His wild eyes stared first at Rubik, then at the camera. In a dry, raspy tone, he said…

"My name… is Deadly Ringer…."

*

EPILOGUE TWO:

The Cappers were in the recreation room. Gray Zombie and Batqueen were engrossed in a spirited thumb war. GlitterRock watched, offering little more than a "Beat ‘em, Queen!" and "You got her, Gray!"

Enapov walked through the door, some of the other Cappers in line behind her. She rose an eyebrow at the sight of Zombie and Batqueen. "This is really serving justice, isn’t it?"

Gray wiggled his thumb about, trying to pin Batqueen’s. "What is it, Ena? Demonic on the rampage again? Call the New Guys to handle it."

Batqueen grinned. "You sure you don’t want to handle it yourself, Gray? A good excuse to get out of losing this match.