Chapter Two

Mr. Sneer went into the Baron’s inner chamber. There he found Miglionicco sitting at a small table, a plate of breakfast in front of him as he read the newspaper. He stood uneasily, not sure how to let the Baron know he was there. Finally, Miglionicco’s voice drifted from behind the paper. "If you’re going to stand there like a potted plant, please go and stand next to the credenza. You’d look better over there."

Mr. Sneer sneered, "I just wanted to tell you, Baron. We just took out another capper. DanZero." He laughed, his lip curling. "You should’ve been there! He –"

Miglionicco interrupted him, turning a page. "Don’t tell me… he screamed? Right?"

"Yeah? How’d you know?"

Miglionicco lowered his paper, looking at him. "I’m an evil genius, remember?" He put down the paper, and picked up a clipboard. Raising a red pen, he crossed out DanZero’s name. "Splendid, then. We’ve knocked the Cappers’ numbers down to a meager four."

"You want we should take them out, too?"

The Baron paused. "I think we can start my cunning plan. Oh, call me an old softy, Sneer, but I’m just so eager to plunge Caption City into despair. Is that so wrong?"

Mr. Sneer sneered, "Not at all, boss."

Miglionicco sighed. "Like your opinion matters…" He took a drink of his tea.

"But, Baron, I thought what we were doing was your cunning plan."

"Do you know what I’m thinking, Sneer? How someone with the I.Q. level of a can of root beer could get into SuperVillain University?" He put down his teacup. "You imbecile, my plan hasn’t even begun yet. Now, gather the others. It’s time to do a little sabotage." He paused a moment, thinking. "Tell me, how did you get into SuperVillain U. anyway?"

"Sports scholarship."

"Naturally"

*

The Cappers’ headquarters was a huge building in the center of the city, a special reward to them for all their years of justice. It was the Hall Of Captions. Once filled with the sounds of heroes talking about enemies fought, disasters averted and merchandising deals signed, it was now silent. The only ones within the complex were the ones in the meeting room, the Capping Gallery. In the Gallery, The Grey Zombie and Amon_OfA1000Handles sat at the large table, while GlitterRock monitoring the huge CapAlert computer console.

Amon was saying, "… Batqueen didn’t even know what hit her!"

Zombie shook his head sadly. "MSTieLyn and Torgone will be in traction for at least a month!"

Glitter turned from the console to look at them. "Like, our group is falling faster than my disco single, Straighten Yourself Up Tall and Run Into The Wall!"

"This is depressing." Grey asked, "What about Keogh?"

Amon said, "No one’s seen him."

"My news isn’t any better, guys." They all turned to see Animebabe come in, a newspaper in her hand. "Cyberbeast just called from the hospital." They all groaned as she sat down at the table.

Grey Zombie said, "The Conglomeration was never a problem before! I mean, it was all the same thing: they threaten to destroy the city or the world, and a day or two later, they were behind bars."

Amon added, "… and a day or two after that, they broke out…"

"Exactly! There was a pattern, a routine that they had! But now… they’ve become the Cadre. It’s all flip-flopped around!"

Animebabe pushed the newspaper to him. "I think we all know what the change in them is." On the front of the paper was the headline: "BARON’S REIGN OF TERROR ENTERS SEVENTH DAY! CAPPERS UNDER SIEGE! ZACK NORMAN IS SAMMY IN CHIEF ZABU!"

Zombie called over to the green-afroed figure at the CapAlert, "Any word on this Miglionicco yet, Glitter?"

"Like zero man! There’s no listing for him at any of the major supervillain universities. I mean I’ve looked everywhere! Lycos, Ask Jeeves, Yahoo…" He put the computer on automatic-monitor and joined the others at the table, picking up his guitar and strumming a cord.

Amon shrugged. "Maybe he took one of those home courses from Sally Struthers?"

"Don’t be a meathead!" Anime said to Amon. "He’s an unknown element, and that means trouble."

"You don’t need to tell me!" Glitter put his guitar down. "His cats did a number on the GlitterDome while I was on duty last night. When I got in, I found the place in ruins, SideMan with two broken arms, and my hot wings gone!"

Grey Zombie patted Glitter on the shoulder. "We’ll avenge you, GlitterRock. We all know how much those hot wings meant to you." The others nodded solemnly.

"Trouble is we can’t get a bead on them!" Amon’s voice was filled with frustration. "They attack one or two of us all at once, then they skulk back to their hideout, wherever that is."

"That’s it exactly!" Grey said, "We need to find their headquarters!" He thought a moment. "And to do that, we’ll need to turn the tables on them."

The others were quiet. Then Anime asked, "You mean… we turn our tables on them?"

"No. I—"

Amon said, "He meant we turn their tables on us!"

"What I—"

Glitter snapped his fingers. "I get it, underwear-dude! We take their tables away from them! Then when they order new tables, we get their hideout’s address, disguise ourselves as delivery men, and get ‘em!"

"That’s stupid, Glitter!" Anime said, "We don’t even know where their tables are!"

Amon said, "I’ve got a hunch! We should check in their dining room." Anime and Glitter nodded in agreement.

Grey shouted, "Shut up!!" Once he’d gotten their attention, he said, "What I meant was they’ve been ganging up on us when there’s one or two of us. I say we turn the tables on them—we gang up on one or two of them! Then, we find our where their address is!" The Cappers nodded, that plan making much more sense. "The question now is… how do we get them where we want them?"

Amon smiled. "Oh, I think I’ve got a way…"

*

General Kidnap-The-Mayor and Winky the Sociopathic Robot stood outside of a door silently.

"Now get ready…" The General whispered, "The Mayor’s right behind that door. He’s all alone, so he’ll be real easy to get!"

Winky’s eyes flashed. "General, why are we – biddi biddi biddi – doing this again?"

The General sighed. "We need to show the Baron that we’re just as important as the others! Why do you think we were the only ones Miglionicco didn’t send on his secret assignment? So, while they’re all out doing whatever, we kidnap the Mayor! That’ll show him we’re bad-asses! Now get ready! One… two… three!" He pushed open the door, and the pair rushed into the office. In front of them was a large desk, with the chair behind it turned away from them.

The General laughed in an evil tone. "Hello, Mr. Mayor."

The chair turned around… revealing Amon! He smiled as he saw the General’s shocked expression. "What? You were expecting Mayor McCheese?"

The villains heard the door behind them close. They turned to see Grey Zombie and GlitterRock behind them. The General stammered, "But… but I got a call from his receptionist…."

Amon asked, "And what was her name?"

"She said she was Rita. Rita Anime…babe… " His face fell as he slowly realized. He looked over to the side, where Animebabe gave him a sly wink as she hung up the phone. He gritted his teeth. "It’s a trap! Get them, Winky!"

Winky turned around and started for Grey Zombie. Its metal arms were outstretched for him. "Time to make—beep beep—Grey Zombie a real zombie… "

Grey’s hands went to his belt, where many various pieces of underwear were at the ready. "No need to get shorts with me!" His hands whipped out, two pairs of boxer shorts in them. With keen precision, he flung them at Winky, covering his robotic head.

GlitterRock stepped in front of General Kidnap-The-Mayor, his guitar poised. He rose a hand to strum the cords, and said, "Let’s boogie!"

The General growled, "Disco’s dead!" He launched a solid kick, sending Glitter across the room and into a potted plant. He turned his attention to Amon behind the desk.

Amon’s hand went to the dial at his wrist. Spinning it, the small dial’s face shone with color as it finally settled on a handle: Ricardo_Amon_talban. There was a flash and Amon morphed into a white suit with a black tie. His hair was tinged with gray. Smiling with perfect teeth, he reached behind him and picked up the chair he’d been sitting in moments ago. "I hope you enjoy this chair, lined with rich Corinthian leather!" He swung the chair, braking it over the General’s head, who went down.

There was a metallic growl as Winky finally tore the underwear from its eyes. One of his flailing metallic arms pushed Grey away, and the robot turned its attention to the fallen GlitterRock. It prepared to attack him.

Animebabe jumped across the room, and went behind the robot. Reaching around, she grabbed his arms firmly. "How about a nice hug?" Her arms clenched, and Winky let out a robotic scream. Its arms buckled and crushed under Anime’s hug. It struggled against her, and Anime said, "A little help here, guys! I can’t hold him much longer!"

GlitterRock got to his feet. Seeing an endtable near the door, he picked it up and broke it over the robot’s head. Helplessly, the unconscious robot fell to the floor in a heap. Glitter smiled at the others. "How do you like that, dudes? I turned the tables on him… literally!"

*

"Ex-squeeze me!" Darth Binks said to Baron Miglionicco. "Meeza got terrib-ibble-bble news! Terr-ibb-ibble! Deeza Genital and de Wubbot iza in da maxi jail!"

Miglionicco stared him at him for several moments. Then, he rose his hands in the air in exasperation. "Can anyone understand what he’s saying?"

Ms. Iree stepped forward. "He’s saying General Kidnap-The-Mayor and Winky are in jail!"

"Ah. I see. Anyone for tea?"

Ms. Iree looked at him. "I don’t think you understood me, Baron. Two of our—"

"No, Ms. Iree. You don’t understand me. I can only guess you can’t because of either sheer stupidity, or the effects on silicone on intelligence. So let me put it into perspective for you. A scientist who was only trying to come up with a way to get free cable created Winky. And the General’s sole accomplishments have been… well, he’s had no accomplishments. Unless you count failing to kidnap the mayor as an achievement, in which case he’d had a stellar career! They’re two of our weakest links. Their capture means nothing."

Ms. Iree was shocked by what he said. "I… I can’t believe it. You don’t even care what happens to us!"

Miglionicco said, "Not one little bit. I only care about seven people in the entire world, and they’re all me. If you have a problem with that, well… that’s your problem, isn’t it? I’m sure Dark Nemesis and Lady Die would be pleased to have you for a roommate. Oh that’s right – they’re dead!" He rose an eyebrow at her.

She swallowed nervously. Finally she said, "Well, I suppose with the two of them gone, there’s more to be divided amongst the rest of us!"

Miglionicco smiled thinly. "That’s my girl! Selfish, evil, and with a chest the size of a small rhino. You’re every supervillain’s dream. Fortunately I’m not a supervillain, so go away."

Darth Binks watched, his head spinning. "Oooooo… maxi-evil da Baron!"