CRISIS IN CAPTION CITY!

Chapter One:

Caption City.

A teeming Gotham. A Metropolis of tall buildings and people of average height. Where justice and fairplay was upheld by the Cappers, who fought evil with a unique mix of courage and witty remarks.

This was to be the Cappers’ greatest battle…

*

The Conglomeration of Evil was in session. Their ranks comprised the baddest of the bad, and the meanest of the mean. You couldn’t even get a part-time position with them unless you’d been given at least seven consecutive life sentences by the state. An armored man shook his fist adamantly at the others seated at the large table. "We must strike, and strike fast!"

A red-haired woman with a silver cape frowned. She sighed, "You always say that, Major Antagonist! Whenever there’s a plan to be made, it’s always we must strike!"

Major Antagonist crossed his armored arms, and pouted. He mumbled, "Well, we must… "

Another villain wagged a gloved finger at the woman. "Now, now, Ms. Iree," the Evil Cheese said. "Our enemies are the Cappers, not ourselves."

A dark-helmeted figure nodded in agreement. "Heeza right! Weeza chood be making war against da Cappers, okey-day?"

The figure at the head of the table rose. He wore a set of red robes, with a large hood. He was Dark Nemesis, the head of the Conglomeration. "Darth Binks speaks the truth. Our latest defeats at the hands of the Cappers have lowered out morale. That’s why my latest plan involves the Caption City Bicentennial Barbecue, in Caption Park!"

Mr. Sneer sneered his approval. "Splendid idea, Nemesis! What is your scheme? Douse the people with nerve toxin?"

Lady Die sat in her black leather jumpsuit, stilettos slid in small pockets along her side. "Plant a bomb in the park?"

Another figure in a gray uniform offered, "Kidnap the Mayor?"

Sitting next to him, the Rotten Queen said, "You always want to kidnap the Mayor!"

"Hey! I’m General Kidnap-The-Mayor! It’s what I do!"

Major Antagonist shouted, "We should strike!"

Dark Nemesis rose his arms, silencing their conversation. "No, no, no. As I said, defeat has lowered our morale. My plan is that we all take the holiday weekend off. We go to the Barbecue, relax, have some fun. Then, on Monday, we put Caption City in a stranglehold of feat the likes of which has never been conceived!"

"You all make me sick!" They all turned from the table to look at the rear entrance to the chamber. A man stood there. He was dressed in a black business suit, and had a small beard.

Dark Nemesis asked, "Who are you?"

The man replied in a crisp British accent. "I am Baron Vlad Miglionicco."

Lady Die leaned over to Mr. Sneer, saying, "Baron? Sounds like someone’s a wannabe supervillain."

Miglionicco heard her. "No. I decided against being a supervillain. I’d rather rule the world instead."

The Evil Cheese said, "That’s what we want, too!"

Miglionicco began pacing around the table. "No. You all gad about in outrageously flamboyant costumes. Have any of you ever even felt an Armani suit?" He ran a hand along his cuff appreciatively. "You plot your plotty plots to take over Caption City. A city with near zero real estate value and dozens of superhero protectors. A stellar choice!"

The Rotten Queen whispered to Binks, "Is he insulting us?"

The Baron looked at her as he passed her chair. "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll turn my intellectual sarcasm down a notch or twelve so you can all understand me."

Darth Binks replied to her, "Meeza tink so."

Miglionicco circled the table and stopped on the other side. "Ladies, gentlemen, and Winky the Sociopathic Robot … I’m here because I’ve come up with a cunning plan with which to take over first Caption City, and then the world."

Dark Nemesis scoffed at him. "Well Baron Miglionicco … that’s an interesting pitch. But we’ve already got a plan in the works, thank you very much."

"Ah, yes, the Bicentennial Barbecue jamboree." Sarcastically, he asked, "Tell me, which of you is bringing the potato salad?"

General Kidnap-The-Mayor said to Nemesis, "I’ve got a great recipe for p --- owww!" Nemesis shut him up with a sharp hit to the shoulder.

Miglionicco rolled his eyes. "You’re all nothing but thugs. I, consequently, am an evil genius without manpower. Join me, and follow my orders, and you can have not the world, but a significant portion of which to be negotiated at a later date."

Nemesis snapped at the Baron, "I’m the leader of this group!"

"Or," Miglionicco continued, "you stay under the stalwart command of Dark Underpants here, and enjoy potato salad. Your choice, entirely."

Lady Die stood up adamantly. "I choose Dark Nemesis."

Miglionicco reached into his jacket and pulled out a slim pen-shaped device. Pointing it at the Lady, he pressed a small button on the side. A beam of red light shot from it, vaporizing Lady Die. "Wrong choice. Anyone else?"

The villains stared at Die’s smoldering space at the table. Winky droned, "I—beep beep—choose Miglionicco."

Ms. Iree nodded nervously. "Me too!"

Major Antagonist said, "I will strike my vote with the Baron!" The rest of the villains all agreed, leaving Dark Nemesis open-mouthed and speechless.

Miglionicco smiled thinly. "Thank you all. I pledge that while I certainly wouldn’t want any of you in my home, I will stand proudly behind you as you follow my commands." He went over to Dark Nemesis, and said, "Excuse me, I think that’s my seat." He tabbed the pen-device, and vaporized the surprised Nemesis. He sat down in Nemesis’s smoking chair, and settled with a thin smile. "Mmmm, how I do love a warm chair. Now, the first order of business is changing the name of our organization."

"Why?" The Evil Cheese said, "We’ve always been the Conglomeration of Evil."

"Yes, and the Conglomeration of Evil has always been laughed at. No, from now on we shall be … the Cadre!"

Darth Binks frowned beneath his helmet. "Cadre? Whyza we called de Cadre?"

"Because, the dre appellation at the end will add an air of superiority to our reputation. Now, the second order of business is to cancel the Barbecue bash. We’ll be too busy taking over the city."

Mr. Sneer sneered, "But, what about the Cappers? They’re tough customers."

Miglionicco smiled again. "Then it’s too bad they’re customers, and not buyers. Otherwise caviat emptor would apply." He chuckled to himself. Seeing the confused expressions on the faces of the villains, he said, "Latin? For let the buyer beware? Buyers… instead of customers? Hello?" He saw no recognition, and sighed, "Forget it. We’ll get rid of them, won’t we? And once they’re gone, their city’s morale will be so beaten, they’ll have no choice but to give in."

"Izza Cappers gonna dieee?"

"No, Darth. To snuff their lives would be too easy, and too generous. What we’ll do is incapacitate them so badly that they’ll have no choice but to watch helplessly as their beloved city falls around them." He took a deep breath. "Everyone, if you’d like a good stock tip, I’d invest in Caption City’s hospitals, because they’ll be getting record admissions in the next few days."

Slipping the pen-device in his jacket again, he rose from the table. "I think this has been a very productive first meeting. So everyone … go home, and get a good night’s sleep. Because tomorrow, our reign of terror begins."

*

True to his word, Miglionicco’s reign of terror did indeed start the next day.

He calculated advanced strategies, having the entire Cadre attack the Cappers one-by-one.

The first to go to the hospital with injuries was, ironically, Nurse Noir. Then, YingYang showed up hours later, followed by Scypha. As the days progressed, the Cappers were totally unprepared for the surprise ambushes, with SpydieGirl, medusaD, and GersonK showing up within minutes of each other.

Enapov. Loodvig. BuckFifty. Clover. Vicious. DoktorD. Lanzman. Robofreak.

TO BE CONTINUED …