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Chapter One
by The Illustrious DanZero
22nd century, 2100, Sub-Pop Rock City. It is a place where everybody enjoys the grunge
movement of the ancient early 1990's.
The people live in peace and tranquility.
But, something has invaded the television networks of this once peaceful utopia. Something
known as the dreaded INFOMERCIAL.
Yes, infomercials, program-length advertisements that were commonplace in the 1990's have
returned. Many, many people such as
Richard Simmons, Kenny Kingston, the Psychic 5 with Amplewoman, Jay Kordich, John the Brit
with the red bowtie, Nancy Nelson, Ron Popeil, Chef Tony, and others
have invaded the invisible airwaves of Sub-Pop Rock City. Something is wrong.
Very wrong.
Meanwhile, at Capper Central, Dan and Gray and MedusaD are doing what they do best:
capping. Capping is still as popular as it once was, and
many people have tried to bring back the successful MST3K formula, as well, but failed
miserably, due to shoddy robot designs and acting as bad
as the movies themselves.
As Gray and Medusa are capping another Sci-Enema event, DanZero receives a call from
Sub-Pop Rock City.
"On screen." said Dan.
The transmission starts. "Somebody help us! Our TVs are constantly showing low
priced, amazing products with fake audiences!!!!"
"Oh, no! Somebody actually brought back Amazing Discoveries, with Mr. Sweater
himself, Mike?"
"Close, the marketing process known as "Infomercials" are invading our
tubes!!!"
DanZero stands silent, thinking of what could be the cause of such interference."
"Ok, I'll let our staff know about this."
DanZero runs at full speed down to the captioning area, thinking still.
"Gray, D, something's up!!!!!"
"Underwear is alive?" said Gray.
"There is a Screaming Reamer?" asked Medusa.
DanZero shakes his head. "Something much worse. INFOMERCIALS."
They both jump out of their chairs.
"Nothing like an old annoying problem to stop capping..."
"Where is it occurring, Dan?" Gray said.
"Sub-Pop Rock City!" screamed Dan...
"You mean the place where Soundgarden and other 1990's bands originated?" said
Medusa.
"Yes, D. I grew up there, I know the area well. It will only have to be us, since the
rest of the capper
team is at a capper summit somewhere in New America." "Here, take your C.R.Is.
(Capper Related Items)"
Gray gets some underwear, Medusa packs a Screaming Reamer, and DanZero gets his case full
of CDs.
"Let's go!"
Sub-Pop Rock City
The cappers land in the city. The streets are desolate, papers are blowing, the sky is
gray (the color).
"This is NOT Sub-Pop Rock City as I remember it!!!" DanZero screams.
"Let's investigate further, said Gray."
"Good idea, Gray."
The 3 pass by a TV shop, and lo and behold, they see the Amazing Discoveries show."
"Amazing Discoveries!" Dan says.
On the TV, the audience is clapping.
"Welcome back to Amazing Discoveries!" says Mike the Sweater Guy. "Today,
we have another
*amazing* discovery!!!! John the Brit will show us yet *another* imported car wax/polish
in one!"
The audience claps again.
DanZero thinks, then says "Uh oh, this ain't good guys, they're gonna sell 2 bottles,
other unimportant interior
cleaners to sweeten the deal, and of course..."
"...the handy applicator!" says Medusa.
"And a state of Kansas Jell-O mold!" said Gray.
"Right!" Dan says, "for the low low price of.."
"$29.95!" they all shout.
"Hmm, we are powerless now, let's head back up to Capper Central and report this to
Tolstoy." says Gray, concerned.
"Excellent idea, Gray" says DanZero. Fast with the underwear, and the solutions.
Back at Capper Central
The 3 explain the situation to Tolstoy.
"Yes, very interesting... you know, back in the 1990's, we found the cause for these
infomercials."
"There is a central group that all the hosts belong to, they call themselves the
K.O.R."
Gray says, "Does that have anything to do with the Kortac?"
Tolstoy nods slightly. "Yes, this is a subdivision. It stands for the KULT OF
REDUNDANCY."
DanZero says "Clever name! But how does it work?" in an infomercial host
voice...
"Stop it, Dan!" says Medusa.
"Whoops, sorry D." DanZero says with a smile and a blush....
"Hobbes, get me information on the leader of K.O.R."
"Yes sir." The computer processes, then comes up with information on someone.
"Hmm, he calls himself Little Joe." says Tolstoy
DanZero starts singing. "Little Joe, run for the border, leave your home, leave your
mother and father.."
Tolstoy says "What the hell are you singing?"
DanZero says "Geez, it's no coincidence that he named himself after a Soundgarden
song, seeing as he is attacking Sub-Pop Rock City..."
Gray and Medusa both sigh. "Oh great, another chance for him to flaunt
Soundgarden" says Medusa..
DanZero gets a little mad. "So?" he says... "Ok, Tolstoy, do you know where
the base of operations is?"
Tolstoy says, "Coincidentally enough, the old Sci-Fi building on the borderline of
Sub-Pop Rock City."
DanZero reminisces. "Ah, yes, the place where we fought off the Kortac on so many
occasions...." "Well, we better get prepared, this is one formidable enemy that
might be tougher than the Kortac."
"Yes, this might be dangerous. I suggest you do some training, all 3 of you head for
the TV room, familiarize yourself with the enemy from the infomercials, and find their
weaknesses."
"Yes, sir." said Gray.
"Will we be able to riff on them?" asks Medusa.
"But of course." says Tolstoy with a smile. This is after all, Capper Central.
"All righty then, it's settled" says Dan as he puts an arm around Medusa.
"To Decapitato!"
"And underwear!" shouts Gray.
"And the Screaming Reamer!" says Medusa.
"And the downfall of K.O.R.!" they all say!!
Meanwhile, at the old Sci-Fi building...
"How is our invasion of Sub-Pop Rock City going?" says Little Joe.
"It is doing excellent. The people are under our command. All the money that we
receive for these products will fund our war effort to bring on the Second Capper
War!"
Little Joe laughs. "The K.O.R. shall be victorious!" "We will avenge the
death of our Kortac Brothers!"
They all laugh in typical alien fashion...
To Be Continued
You want a teaser for next week's installment? Ok, next week there'll be another installment. How's that?